CAUGHT OUT THERE

If you were in Iceland and you ever saw me or Fan #1, you'll probably have seen us listening to a song on a CD player and laughing our selves in stupor. It was this all time classic from Kelis. I don't even think we listened to a single other song on the album. But we did listen to this. Over and over and over and over and over [etc] again. Fun.

kelis - caught out...

"...Kiddies, you obnoxious music has made me realize a thing. I should never have married my husband for now my daughters with their red coats (I'm sure Kelis actually even mentions a red coat too... suscpicious, no?), will have to be called Kiddy Martasdottir! Imagine!..."

If

If anyone reading this blog cares enough, you can now send a post in an e-mail by pressing the funny little envelope icon underneath the post. So now, you can spread the stupidity elsewhere!

[Picture this, a blizzard and we all had a cold already]

"...Kiddies, I want you all to come outside! There is a tiny geysir in the
road and if I pour washing up powder in it, it may do something! Come on
kiddies, into the snow! It fun!..."

Relcuctantly, we empty from the coach and Marta is leaning over a rather
suspicious looking hole in the ground, into which she is pouring washing up
powder. After about ten minutes, we all have been covered in snow and ice, can
barely see and have an odd homocidal tendancy toward small Icelanders in red
coats.

Steam pours out of the geysir, but no water...

"Look kiddies! It is the wonder of Hydroelectric Steam!"

Yes Marta. Whatever you say...

I wonder

I wonder what would happen if the person that played Marta in the Prank Phone call had actually prank phone called Marta... Here's the result. Again, thanks to a certain Wall for finding these. I came up with them ages ago and he brought them back for me. Well done you, but the credit goes to McLaughlin's #1 Fans 'cos its our blog. Nyeh. (o_O)

[Phone Rings.]

Robert: Hello, zis is Martaaaa.

Marta: No, zis is Marta. (clearly
sounding upset.) I can prove it. My name is Marta Marta'smum'sdottir!

Robert: Ya, well my name is Marta and I know that Icelander's don't have
a surname!

Marta: [under her breath] damn you Eng-lish. [more clearly] Well I
did I talk on the ducks!

Robert: Did you like my talk on the puffins? It
was gut, ya? No? Ya?

Marta: What talk? I felllllll...........

[several minutes
later....]

Marta: asleep.

Robert: Oh, well, I have something to
tell you.

Marta: Now what would that be? If I were me I know what I'd
say if I were about to tell myself something over the phone to someone claiming
to be me whilst I claim to be me.... (try and understand that!)

Robert:
Erm...urm...ahhh... I'm a lesbian, no?

Marta: Me too!! I'll meet you at
your house, beautiful lesbian kidddy!

Robert: Noooooooooooo (Spell checker
wanted me to make this rather long noooooooooooooooooo into no. No!)

TO BE CONTINUED ...............................................................................................................................

ARGH!

If you know me, which you can't 'cos 'm anonymous, you may know that Marta stalked me perpetually for the best part of a year. She tracked me down. She followed me and... No, wait for the post...

(Two person dialogue)

Fan #2: Urmm, Hello?

Marta: Hello, zis is Mar-taaaaaa!
[cough]

Fan #2: Oh, er, hi...

Marta: Well kiddie, did you like
all of my incessant ramblings about ten different rivers which were the longest
in Iceland and that eeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Fan #2: Marta?

[A few
seconds later]

Marta: It doesn't snow in Iceland. Instead we have horses
which fall from Valhalla with eight legs, only one of which actually works.

Fan #2: Yep (with obvious annoyance)

Marta: Well, ermm.........

Fan #2: (under breath) for heavens sake woman, spit it out.

Marta: erm....I am a paedophile who stalks little children whom I meet
on my travels. May it be of interest for you to know that I am at your door,
smiling grimly through the glass.

Fan #2: Yes. Marta, that was of great
interest to me.

Marta: OK, now remember kiddie. I know where you live.

Fan #2: [after hanging up the phone] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(After much slinking sounds Marta finally remembers to hang up and
leaves me wondering why in the world I had up that conversation....)'

Now, I answer the phone with caution. Also, I legally can call the police the second she steps over the threshold of my Porch. She doesn't even need to make it to the House!!! Oh, and thank you very much to 'A Certain Wall' for providing me with this evidence for the prosecution of Marta. God save you.

Valhallah the Fourth - A New End

*Heh, heh, heh* In Soviet Russia, Stupid Titles write YOU!!! Also, In Soviet Iceland, mad troll is YOU!!! In Communist Iceland, however, Valhallah comes to YOU!!! (No offence to any Uncyclopedians - we both happen to love Russian Reversal. If ours are really bad, don't worry, so are yours)! Now for Marta...

"...now kiddies, I will tell you my last story of Valhallah as I fear that if I tell you any more, the Gods will eat me. Now, on my last visit to Valhallah, I met an Irish person. This Irish person said to me 'Marta o' Iceland, you're a little leprechaun'. I said ooh. So from now on, I tell everyone that Iceland people aren't Viking but actually, they is Irish! Then, kiddies, last year, there was a report by Iceland President, who is good friend of me, that said all Icelandic people were more closely Irish than Viking and I suddenly dropped everything I was carrying in the streets and started shaking random people in the street going 'I knew and no-one else and I knew it and no-one else did and I knew it all along!!!' People just looked at me with with pity..."

Whoo... We think that Marta did visit Valhallah again and died. We may publish news of her death at a later date... But until then, let's enjoy her crazy, rather amusing life.

Uhh...

Uhh...? That's yet another expression of confusion after having listenened to Marta for ten minutes solid. It escaped from my mouth with just about all of the poetic licence of a burp and expressed my feelings about as accurately as possible. Uhhh? A girl got a phonecall from Marta...

"...Hello, zis is Maaarrrtttaaa! I am,. un, calling you to ask you something. Did you like my talk on the puffins today? It was good, no? Yes? No? Yes? No-yes-no-yes-no-yes...

"...I, uh, have something very important to tell yooooo. I, uh, am a lesbiaaaaaann."

I promise, we were as scared as you. But Marta never actually said this. It was a cruel prank on one of girls. And she fell for it. It quickly spread about that Marta was a lesbian stalker. FUN. Heh.

Hi

Welcome. We'd just like to say hi to all of our fantastic fans (OK, there may only be us, but still). If you do feel the odd, unexplainable urge to leave a comment (why?) then please, please, please don't use our names. As much as we adore the attention (yup) we'd rather not give away our names. Use ***** or Fan #1/2 if you have to refer to us, but then again, we're just following in the almighty God crumbling footsteps of Marta. You probably don't even know we exist. This is for any new readers and for all of the old ones =)

"...Well kiddies, I'd like to talk to you. If you'd all like to come
and sit outside in the corridor, we'll talk, yes?"

[Rather like the pied Piper, she escorts all of the Year 11s and a few
curious Year 10s into the corridor, where they sit around her in a circle.
Conversation ensues and suddenly, laughter erupts from all. Curious, everyone
who wasn't there opens their doors and walks out to see what is so funny. Our
History teacher comes out and asks directly.]

History Teacher: "Oh, Marta, it's, uh, nice to see you getting along
with the kids. What are you talking about?"

[Everyone sat on the floor shuffles with embarrassment, but the
oblivious one that is Marta puffs up proudly and says]

Marta: "...Sex. It is very natural in Iceland to talk to random
strangers about Sex. Sex Sex Sex."

[Our History teacher goes an amazing shade of Crimson before returning
to his room. No-one stays to listen to the rest of that conversation, except
those who were sat on the floor. Some odd mechanism had glued them down and only
when Marta finished could they move. Odd]..."

Heh. I think the look on our History teacher's face was classic. Nothing has ever quite compared with it!

Hmm

Fan #2: This means nothing to no-one. ASDKJASIDJASDN

Now, if that confused you, let me explain. That was my way of summing up our state of mind after listening to Marta for five minutes. We all just heard ASDKJASIDJASDN. Hmm...

Fan #1: Would you like some ketchup with your gugna?

Fan #2: That was a very subtle reference from the usually blantant Fan #1. I'll expain. On a billboard in the airport, there was the word Gugna. We hadn't been given the amazing teaching of Marta...

"...kiddies, I'm going to teach you Icelandic today. I, errr, have some
pieces of paper with words on them. Read it and learn it and if you don't I'll
slit your throats..."

Fan #2: Yep, so we were stumped as to what gugna meant. Fan #1 decided that it sounded like something that you'd eat with ketchup, so it stuck and one of our few memories of the Icelandic language was that Gugna was an edible word best served with the question 'Would you like ketchup with your Gugna?'

Fan #1: Maho!!!

Fan #2: Sorry, Fan #1 just couldn't resist!!!

Valhallah Episode Three - The Revenge of the Troll

Sorry for the Star Wars pun, I guess you all saw it coming...

"...kiddies! I err... would like to tell you more about my country and
Valhallah. Now, as I told you, all of the rocks on the sides of the road are
trolls. You see, at night they come out as trolls and kill all of the little
kiddies they come across. They find them absolutely delicious. Yes, delicious.
So fleshy and young. The bones are tasty too. I could chew on them for
days...

"Anyway, if you notice - KIDDEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!! Why aren't you
listening? I will have to go to Valhallah and send Thor to attack and kill you
all!!! HEHEHEHEHE!!!... [cough, cough]

"But finally, the trolls, they move places so if you see, on our way
somewhere, the rocks are on our left, but when we return they are on our right!
Isn't that amazing kiddies [everyone sniggers that they're on the other sides
because we're driving on the other side of the road in the opposite direction,
but we keep her from having to overhear it. She can enjoy her weird
fantasy]."

Thank you all!! KIDDIES TO THE RESCUE!!! (The whole purpose, in case you didn't get it, was that we all, including our History teacher, believed that she was a mad troll as her pronunciation of her own name was 'Mad-tra'. Being slightly hard of hearing and full of evil sarcasm, we twisted that slightly to Mad Troll. Why not? Our History teacher, who was bitter because he got beaten by a Biology teacher in Bowling, even went as far as saying 'We were guided around by a mad troll' on the DVD produced for parents about the trip! Ha!)

PHOTOGRAPH!!!

Whoo, I found a photo I took of the whole group in Iceland and Marta is on it!!! Yeah! Here is our red-jacketed inspiration - the red jacket was the thing which distinguished her from his. She always wore it (I mean always...). At this particular moment, she was saying something like this...

"...Uh, kiddies, now the, er, ridge runs along the country going South East
the whole time. The gap in the middle, which we in Iceland call, 'Land of
Middle', grows by approximately 500 cm per year which is about this much [note
hand gesture being made in photograph]. [Our Geography teacher cuts in]
'Erm, Marta, as far as I know, it only grows 4 or 5 cm in a year and the 'Land
of Middle' is called no-man's land, isn't it?' [Marta] No You stupid geography
teacher! It, er, ARGH! Enough, now, let's go and do something else, [a
distinctly sulky tone entering here voice..."

Thank you all, that one was for our Geography teacher for all the abuse he suffered and for us, with all of the abuse we suffered (which was considerably more than was directed at any teachers, let's put it that way). Remember kiddies, never be fifteen minutes late in Iceland or the trolls will eat you alive!!!

Interruption

Hi there. We're interrupting the usual rubbish to bring you this special Marta-ism. It's one of our personal favourites. Besides, I bet you needed to know this!

"Kiddies, are you going swimming, eh? Well...GET ON THE BUSSS!...

[Several minutes later]

"...I get a shiny new bus for you too kiddies. Are you going swimming [asking me, whilst I stared bewildered back at her]? Well, I'd like to tell you something... GET ON THE BUS!...

"...[On the Bus, which is actually a Retro 5000 from the year 1885], Kiddies, I am very dissappointed in you. I mean, five minutes late, OK. 10 minutes late, neh, not bad. BUT 15 MINUTES!!! What were you thinking? Our poor driver [indicating the vagrant/hobo sat in the drivers seat] has been, errr, working all day and has been kind enough to take you, errr...."

"Did I tell you that I went to Valhallah, well...."

Valhallah Tales - Part Two of the Series

Howdy! Yup, we're back again, bringing you the latest Marta stupidity, live from the archives of our memories.

"...So kiddies, are you listening to me? Well, once I arrived in
Valhallah, I walked over to er....................................... [Our
teacher prods her awake] er... a donkey. But this is a special donkey in
Iceland. Do you know why kiddies? [Several people make stupid suggestions which
she takes as genuine] No kiddies, ha, you're all so funny. No, this donkey
produces ale when you pull on a lever, yes, a lever attached to it.
Hmmm..."

"...So after I drank a lot of goat-ale, I continued on my journey
and I arrived at a house. It was the house of the first president of Iceland,
who I met at University. He was best friend of mine, er...., yes. So, I said
hallo and he said-

"LEFT KIDDIES! ACH!..."

"...so he said, Hallo Marta!
Gothen Tack! Are you carrying my fishkin boots? I feel a need to walk a
mountain. Well, I said, of course. I carry them with me everyday, but I forget
them today. Err...."

If this particular tale seemed kinda pointless, don't worry. We thought so too. :)