HELLO!! ZIS IS MARKKKKGGGGHHHHTTTAAA!!

*cough cough*

Vell kiddies, I vas valknig down the road to Valhallah again, yesterday, and do you know vhat I saw? It vas a GIANT BIG smily face imprinted in the mountain. So I stopped the corpses that vere valking beside me and I said to zhem: "I PUT THAT FACE (and my name) IN THAT MOUNTAIN (goblet) OF FIRE!!! YOUR FACE MUST DIE!!" And zhey just valked avay from me...

Then I telephonized RIICCCHHHAARRRDDD and told him "IF YOU VANT TO GO SVIMMING, GET ON THE BUS" and he just hung up on me...

Zhen, I telephoisti Fan#2 and I azk him vhat he is doing. He hugn up on me...

~Fan#2 who is more than slightly hyperactive!! XD XD XD XD XD

Let's Go Swimming....

"Now Kiddies, I have arranged for to all go svimming! Isn't that vonderful? We
can go on an ancient coach, roll around in the snow and wear nothing but a vin
the meedle of Winter! Are you all excited?"

*Insert an hour's break in which we all took the mick out of
her and that
certain infamous photo took place*

[We're all sitting in the lobby, chatting, after dinner that
night]

[Marta approaches us all at random]

"... kiddy, are you going svimming? WELL GET ON THE BUS!!! How
about you, kiddy? Are you going svimming like a little SALMON? Well... GET ON
THE BUS!"

She grabbed this particuarly bewildered looking student and
literally throws him through the porch, out onto the coach.

[she runs onto the coach, looking ferverished and stressed with
us all]

"...kiddies, vhere have you all been? I mean, five minutes late?
Not bad. Ten minutes? OK? BUT FIFTEEN MINUTES? KIDDIES? WHAT WERE YOU THINING?
You stupid kiddies! Now, let us go roll in snow."

[We all got to the pool and to our most sweet relief, Marta did
not actually join us in the pool, although one of our Sixth formers was suicidal
enough to roll around in the snow, only to then go and jump in the 40 degrees
centigrade [115 fahranheit, as a guess]

In the next edition I may not actually tell you a Marta story but a weird little side story which kinda sprung from the Swimming pool disaster. Also, in future reading, watch out for the trauma that was our X Factor Night in which several people took the Mick out of Marta.

Heh. Dunno really,

Oh well, the titles we use are never terribly imaginitive anyhoo.

"...Kiddies, I'd like to tell you a story of my life. You see, when I was born, I, uh, well, I, uh, well, I'm not sure really...

"...Of course kiddies, when you go bowling, you grab a big balls and throws it down the lane...

"...It is my dream in life, kiddies, to go bowling in the lavafields at midnight. I would love to go and go and go and play golf. Especially at midnight, on lavafields...

"...Njals Saga is Icelands finest Saga. It is the finst piece of writing to ever come out of Iceland...

"...Did I ever mention to you the Njals Saga? It is the finest Saga of Iceland...

"...Kiddies, I visited Valhallah and whilst I was there, do you know what I did? Drank ale from goat levers...!

"Once upon a time, Icelanders were all Irish. Also, they were Vikings. I am an IRISH VIKING..."

"Njal, well, he was man. He was a fine Saga indeed. The finest to ever come from Iceland..."

Just a collection of Marta quotations for y'all. Thanks for reading and don't be shy. COMMENT. XD

Absurdity. I'm drunk off my head. Hiccup!

Honest to God. I swear down. Why don't you believe me? My name is
EEENNNGGGlish, I tell you! Here, take my Veeeeeezzzza, it is good no? It is
no
matter if you are a Liverpool fen or a Manchester United fan, but I
am
drunk off
my head! *giggles drunkenly and hic-coughs* Heh.

In case I haven't yet introduced you to drunked guy in the airport, I know have. So there.

Marta once said that all drunken people were drunk. It was just about all she had to say on the matter, since she was drunk herself. That was a night I'll never forget. It all began when... [ARGH]

Kiddies! I have hi-jacked you all! I own each and every stinkin' one of you! Ha! Trolls will take over the world, almost as quickly as I do! N'ya! Death to all who oppose me in my strive for Marta Martasmumsdottir to become ultimate Irish Viking. Ya!

But first of all kiddies, I must tell you something. The puffins, they have returned. Sadly, they contradicted my theory of no puffins, so I went out with my gun and killed everyone of them. Fun!

Mount Marta

Yup, it is what is says!

"...Kiddies, you see that mountain just to our left-right-left-right-left? Well, that is Mount Hekla and it is my mountain. You see, when I was baby, this mountain was called 'three-thousand-pair-of-fishskin-boot-if-you-are-stupid-mountain' but after a rally of complaints from the Icelandic English comitee, we decided on a nice, ethnic Icelandic name of Mt Hekla. Anyways, I was born near that mountain, and since then, I was written four petitions to Icelandlic Government, claiming its ownership. The nice man that I am friends with, you know, the Pressiddent, well, he smile and say 'OK Marta, I vill let you have the mountain'..."

"...So now, this is my mountain. I own it and not one of you do. All fffffffotographs must be given to me and not you. I own the photographhhhhh thereby owning you, HA!..."

"...So anyway, Mt Hekla is the largest, uh, mountain in Iceland, as is Mt Lekla, Mt Tekla and Mt Gekko, all of which are to your left-right-left-right-left-right up! Do not confuse them kiddies. No matter what the rest of the world says, I am right. They are all separate mountains. And recently a study by Crazy Pyschos monthly, published results the same as mine. You see, I knew it all along. Not you. ME! I KNEW IT WAS!!!!!!!!"

Yup, we all believe her too. If you happen to read Crazy Pyscho monthly [which I don't, I just, errr, happened to, errrrr, pick it up whilst... errr... you know... errrrr... accidently finding it in my room] you'll notice that the chief editor and only columnist is 'Marta Marta'smum'sdottir'. Yet I still don't find that odd... [I do need some help. HELP]

Hiya!

"...Hello kiddies! I have learned how to access that thing that you
stupid English kiddies know as the inferno-net and have managed to bully Fan #1
and Fan #2 into letting me post. In fact, I stole their access code thingy and
have used this opportunity to reek havok before they change it!..."

"...Over the last few weeks, you vile, disgusting kiddies have abused
your authority over me! All I wanted to do was
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ...
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... learn your language,
which I now speak errrrrrrrr... fluentish. So, I want you to do the same. The
name Marta must be pronounced with as much of a guttaral 'khghkhgh' as possible.
So, we actually say 'Markhghtaaaaaa' when referring to me. It also sounds
suspiscously like Mad Troll, which is actually the results of my surname
'Madtrolls'dottir'. Yes, I knew you knew that too..."

"Alzo, I must add that you kiddies have a, errrrrr, special surprise
today. I habve remembered to bring with me that pair of Fishskin boots which
almost led to our deaths on a previous occasion. [she reaches into her pocket
and pulls out a pair of tiny, 4cm long, fishskin boots] [we all gasp in
amazement and are all thinking exactly the same thing]..."

Suddenly, everyone on the coach is thinking - "Its not a wonder that it took them about 400 pairs to cross a mountain when they're that small!!!!!!!!!"

Ha! What a weirdo

Global Warming, Kiddies!!!

"...Now kiddies, global warming is bad..."

Yup, Fan #1 and I know for a fact that global warming is not good. So, we remembered a little spiel that Marta went off on about something to do with Global Warming!

"...Now kiddies, I want you to listen for a moment. In Iceland, we care
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much. We
have puffins in this country and we care for them. But now, the puffins do not
come here. The fact that we hunted them ruthlessly is nothing to do with it. It
is the fault of you and your stupid fat America. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
(Copyright Kelis :)...

"...So anyway, I would like to say how dissappointed I am in all of
you. Driving around in a minibus all day is no way to make a living. For shame
on you all...

"...Oooooh look, there is a puffin. Despite of what I just said, there
is another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another and another
and another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another and another
and another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another and another
and another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another and another
and another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another and another
and another and another and another and another and another and another and
another and another and another and another and another and another kiddies!
Millions of them! I change my mind. Global warming is good. Mwahahahaha.
[cough-cough]...

"...But of course kiddies, there is a message for you all to take from
my stupid little rant. The message is simple - whilst on holiday in a
foreign country, never accept help from any small, mad trolls in red
anoraks..."